How to manage someone who avoids conflict

Managing someone who avoids conflict mostly means making it routine and safe to raise problems, asking for specific risks instead of general opinions, and stepping in early when something's festering. They tend to hold back when tension might arise, which means you often hear about problems late. Your job is to shorten the distance between a worry and a conversation.

How the delay gets expensive

Oskar is a solid project lead. In March, he noticed a supplier was slipping. He didn't want to make a fuss, and he thought it might come right. In April, he worked around it. In May, the client asked why the deliverable was three weeks late, and you learned about all this for the first time.

When you asked why he hadn't said anything, he looked honestly puzzled. "I thought I could handle it," he said. In his mind, he was protecting you, the supplier and the team from an awkward conversation. Someone with an avoiding conflict style often has good reasons for waiting. Sometimes, waiting really does work. Your role is to help them distinguish when it won't.

Change what you ask

Asking "Any issues?" invites "No, all good." Better questions assume there's something to report:

• "What's the most likely thing to go wrong this month?"
• "Who's been hardest to get a response from?"
• "If you had to raise one thing with me, what would it be?"
• "On a scale of one to ten, how confident are you in the date? What would make it a higher number?"

A red, amber, green status can help as well. Selecting "amber" from a dropdown may be much easier for someone like this than walking into your office and saying they've got a problem.

Make bad news easy to bring

The first time they bring you a problem, your reaction will set the tone for the next two years. Try to say thank you before you say anything else:

"I'm really glad you told me now, not in a month. That gives us options. Let's look at what we can do. And I want more of this. An early, half-formed worry is always welcome here."

If you're a person who gets stern when you're stressed, be especially careful. Keep your frown for later.

When two people have a standoff

Your team might have a quiet feud on its hands. Nobody's yelling, and nobody's cooperating either. Emails get more polite and CCs get longer. Someone who avoids conflict may not raise this themselves. You might need to bring it into the open, in a low-key way:

"I've noticed you and Grace have stopped working directly on the budget. I'm not looking to assign blame. Can you tell me what's made that hard? Then I'd like to set up a short meeting with the three of us, with a clear agenda. I'll run it, and it'll stay on the work."

The presence of a neutral chair, an agenda and a time limit can make it bearable. Tell them what's coming in advance, and give them time to prepare what they would like to say.

Giving them feedback

Handle this carefully, and be direct anyway. Set it out as a skill they can develop, not a flaw of character:

"You kept that client calm for three months, which is a real strength. I also need you to tell me when a date is at risk, within a week of when you first suspect it. That's the new rule. Can you do that? What would make it easier?"

A specific rule can actually help, because it takes away the judgment call. They no longer need to decide whether something's worth raising, since the rule's already decided that. You could also help them rehearse tough conversations with clients or staff. Writing out the first sentence together might be all they need.

Don't push them into constant confrontation either, or expect them to become someone they're not. You're aiming for earlier conversations, not louder ones.

Where they can shine

A team that fights about everything is exhausting. People who steer around unnecessary battles often keep things stable. They tend to pick their moments well and can make the room less tense. In heated negotiations, their tendency to wait for tempers to cool can be very useful. You might also find they're the ones others can confide in. Just make sure the important things eventually reach you.

Your other conflict guides

The opposite style may also be on your team, so see how to give feedback to someone who competes in conflict. For a view from home, there's how to love someone who competes in conflict, and from childhood, how to disagree with a sibling who likes to win.

You could also ask your team how they would like hard things raised. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Are you part of the reason they keep quiet? Take the Conflict Style Expedition to see how you tend to handle tension as a manager.