How to disagree with a sibling who likes to win

Before you disagree with a sibling who likes to win, decide what you actually need from the conversation, then say it plainly and refuse the bait on everything else. You probably know how to set each other off better than anyone alive. You don't have to win to come out fine. You mostly need to stop playing.

Monopoly, 1994

There's a reason your family no longer plays Monopoly. Your brother had to win it, and when he didn't, the board somehow got knocked over. Now he's forty-three. There's no board anymore, and you're arguing about who gets to organise Dad's eightieth, whether his kids are better behaved than yours, and what you said about his business.

He probably has a competing conflict style at the family table, whether or not he does at work. It's worth noting that siblings can bring out this side in each other. Maybe you had to compete for attention, space or the front seat. Winning might have been how a kid got heard in that house. You might be a little competitive too, if you're honest. Who's keeping track of who started it?

Know your goal before you open your mouth

Pick the outcome that matters. It's seldom "get him to admit I'm right". Ask yourself:

• Is this a decision we must make together? (Dad's care, the will, the house.)
• Is this something I can just decide for myself? (What I do at my own Christmas.)
• Is this about nothing at all? (The referee's call in the 2003 grand final.)

Only the first group needs a real discussion. The second needs a simple statement. The third can stay at the pub, where it's a lot of fun.

Scripts for classic moments

The bait. "Must be nice to have so much time off." It may be tempting to bite. Try: "It is nice. Pass the potatoes." There's no argument in that. That can be very disorienting for someone who's waiting for a return serve.

The history lesson. "You always did this. Remember when you...?" You don't need to accept or deny it. "We remember that differently. What do we need to sort out about Saturday?"

The public round. They start in on you in front of the kids. Quietly: "Not here. Happy to talk about it tomorrow." Then change the subject, or leave the room.

The real decision. This one needs some structure:

"We have to work out Dad's care, and I don't want it to turn into a fight about who's the better kid. Can we each write down what we think needs to happen, send it to one another by Thursday, and talk on Sunday? I'd like to start with what we agree on."

Written proposals give you both a chance to think, and they stop the fastest talker from running away with it. A competitive sibling may even enjoy preparing their pitch. If it's something like an estate or money, an independent person can really help, whether that's a mediator, a solicitor or a family friend you both trust.

Letting them win, on purpose

Here's a thought. What if you let them have the small ones? Give them credit when they're right, freely and early: "You're right, your route was faster." It costs very little, and many competitive siblings relax when they aren't having to fight for every scrap of respect. You may find they've been waiting years for you to say something like that.

Giving in on small things also buys credibility on larger ones. Save your stand for what truly matters: how you're spoken to in front of your children, for instance, or your share of caring for your parents.

Setting a limit

If every visit ends up with you feeling small, you can change the terms. A shorter stay, a public place or a neutral venue all help. You can also say it directly:

"I like seeing you, and I don't want to spar every time. If it starts up again, I'm going to head home early. I won't be angry, I'll just go, and I'll ring you during the week."

Then do just that, calmly. It's generally only a matter of doing it once or twice.

Their better side

Competitive siblings can be fiercely loyal. Anyone else who's rude about you gets a serve. They might also get things done when your family's stuck, like fighting a hospital bureaucracy on your mother's behalf. There's a reason you ring them when you need someone in your corner, even if you're also a bit reluctant to do so.

Other styles worth knowing

If they go about things more cooperatively at work, you may also like how to work with someone who collaborates in conflict. A partner might do it differently still, as in how to date someone who collaborates in conflict. And the family's quiet dealmaker could well appear in how to work with someone who compromises in conflict.

After all these years, you may still not have asked each other how you'd like to be spoken to. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Who's really the competitive one? There's one way to settle this. Take the Conflict Style Expedition, and compare results. Just don't make it a contest.