How to give feedback to someone who competes in conflict

To give feedback to someone who competes in conflict, come prepared with evidence, be brief and direct, link the point to what they want to achieve, and don't get drawn into a debate about whether you're right. They tend to see disagreements as something to win. If you stay calm and firm, they will often respect you for it and act on what you've said.

Why feedback turns into a contest

You came in to say that a client felt steamrolled in Tuesday's meeting. Ten minutes later, you find yourself defending your memory of what the client said, whether "steamrolled" is a fair word, and why you didn't raise it on Tuesday. You leave wondering how you ended up on trial.

A person with a competing conflict style tends to meet a challenge by pushing back on it. It doesn't mean they aren't listening, or that they don't care. For some, testing your claim is how they find out if it's solid. Others may be used to environments where backing down was costly. Knowing this helps you avoid getting rattled.

Prepare like it's a good case

Before the meeting, write down the answers to these:

1. What exactly happened? Name the event, the date and the words. "On Tuesday, you cut off Marie three times while she was setting out the brief."
2. What did it cost? Connect it to results. "She's now asked for someone else on the account."
3. What do you want to see instead? Be specific. "Let the client finish their first point before you respond."
4. What's not up for negotiation? Decide this in advance, so you don't get talked out of it.

The conversation itself

Keep the opening short. A lot of preamble can seem weak or manipulative to a direct person, and it also gives them more to argue with.

"I've got one piece of feedback, and it's about the Marie meeting. You interrupted her three times, and she's asked to work with someone else. You're the strongest strategist we've got, and I want you on that account. To keep it, she needs to feel heard. What's your plan for the next meeting?"

Notice what the last line does. It moves straight to the future and gives them a problem to win.

If they argue

Expect it, and don't take it personally. You can acknowledge a fair point without giving up your position. Here are a few useful replies:

• "You could be right about that, and it doesn't change what she told me."
• "I'm not asking you to agree it was fair. I'm telling you what the effect was."
• "We can go back and forth on this, but the decision about the account stands. Let's talk about next time."

Repetition is fine. A calm broken record works surprisingly well with someone who's waiting for you to crack.

If they attack

A sharp personal comment isn't the same as a robust debate. If it comes to that, name it and stop:

"I'm happy to hear you disagree, and I won't keep going if it's personal. Let's take ten minutes and start again."

You don't need to be louder. You may just need to be less movable.

If they go silent

This may mean they've moved on, or that they're stewing. Give them some time: "You don't have to agree right now. Think it over, and we'll pick it up on Friday." Many competitive people will come back with a surprisingly gracious take, once they've won the argument in their own head.

Things to skip

Don't use "people are saying". They'll want to know who, and they might go looking. Don't run a compliment sandwich either, since they'll only remember the bread. And try not to deliver feedback in front of an audience. Pride's at stake in a group, and they might feel they have to fight on. Give them a chance to change direction in private, and they probably will.

Praise what you'd like more of

They're often motivated by results and recognition. So use that. When they do hold back in a meeting and let someone else speak, say so that same day: "You let Marie finish on Thursday, and she signed off on the whole plan. That was a good win." Framing patience as a way of winning might just be the most useful thing you'll say to them all year.

And give them credit for what they bring. A person who's prepared to fight for a decision, take on a hard client or tell the room something unpopular is valuable. You're not trying to dull that edge. You simply want it aimed at the problem and not the people.

Next in this series

The same style at home appears in how to love someone who competes in conflict, and it might have started years ago, as you'll see in how to disagree with a sibling who likes to win. If your team also has someone who wants to talk everything through, read how to work with someone who collaborates in conflict.

People who like clear rules tend to like clear instructions on themselves too. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

How do you react when someone pushes back on you? Find out your default with the Conflict Style Expedition.