How to work with someone who collaborates in conflict

Someone who collaborates in conflict wants your real concerns on the table, so to work with them well, share those concerns, say how much time you've got, and be clear when a decision is already made. They tend to look for a solution that fully works for everyone, which often produces better outcomes. It can also take longer than the problem deserves, so scoping helps.

What the style looks like on a Wednesday

Marketing wants the launch in May. Engineering says August. Most people would haggle, and land on June or July with no one very happy. Your colleague Yuki books an hour, draws a line down the whiteboard and asks each team what they're really worried about. It turns out that marketing's concern is one trade show, and engineering's concern is one feature. By the end of the hour, there's a plan: ship the core in May, for the trade show, and the feature in August.

That's the collaborating conflict style at its best. Instead of splitting the difference, they look for what's underneath each position. Of course, that same person might also want an hour on which brand of coffee to order.

How to get the best from them

Say what you're actually worried about. Holding your cards close doesn't work well here, as they'll keep gently asking. "My real concern is that my team's already at breaking point" gives them something to work with. "August is just better" doesn't.

Bring the data and the feelings. They tend to want both the facts and how people feel about those facts. Don't be surprised by "How's the team feeling about this?" It's a serious question, and it often leads to the key information.

Help them scope it. Before you start, sort out how big the issue is. They may welcome this:

"I want to get this right, and I've got thirty minutes. If we can't get there by then, let's each write down our top concern and I'll make a call by Friday. Sound okay?"

Tell them when it isn't a discussion. Nothing frustrates a collaborator like a fake consultation. If a decision has been made, say so. "This one's been decided above my level. I'd like your ideas on how we roll it out." They would much rather put their energy into the part they can influence.

Sorting which issues deserve the treatment

Not everything's worth a full workshop. It can be useful to agree on a shared sorting rule. Here's one:

Type of decision	Approach
Hard to reverse, affects many people	Full collaborative session
Important but reversible	Quick chat, one owner decides
Small and reversible	Someone just decides, tells the others
In a real emergency	Leader decides, debrief later

When your collaborative colleague starts booking time for something in row three, it's fine to laugh about it and point at the chart.

If it's getting you down

You might sometimes feel worn out by the amount of talking. Long meetings about feelings can be heavy going if you just want to get on with things. You're allowed to say that:

"I can see you want us all to be happy with this, and I appreciate it. I'm honestly okay with either option. Can you and Jan work out the details, and I'll support whatever you land on?"

That's a useful thing to hear, as they may have been assuming you had strong views. Be honest, though. If you say you don't mind and then complain later, you'll undermine the trust that this style depends on.

Where they add the most

Bring them in for messy problems with many stakeholders, for merging two teams or repairing a damaged client relationship. They're good at getting people to say what's really going on, and they often leave people feeling heard, even if the decision doesn't go their way. Many will also turn a disagreement into a chance to learn, which can shift how your whole team handles friction.

Be sure to tell them when they've helped. They might also want to hear that it's okay to let some things go. Trying to resolve everything well can be tiring, and they may carry unresolved tensions home with them. "That was good enough. You don't have to fix this one tonight" can be a kindness.

Connected guides

Similar patterns show up in dating, which we go into in how to date someone who collaborates in conflict. Working with someone who splits the difference quickly is a different thing again: see how to work with someone who compromises in conflict. Friends of that style appear in how to be friends with someone who compromises.

They'd likely love the idea of writing down how they work, and asking you to do the same. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

When there's a disagreement on your team, what do you reach for? The Conflict Style Expedition maps out your own preferences.