How to love someone who accommodates in conflict

If you love someone who accommodates in conflict, your job is to notice when they give in, make it safe to disagree, and treat their preferences as just as important as yours. They often back down to keep the peace and protect the relationship. It's a loving instinct, and over time it can leave them feeling invisible unless you help balance things out.

"It's fine, you were probably right"

You and Hugh had a disagreement about where to spend the long weekend. It lasted about ninety seconds. He said, "Yeah, you're probably right, let's go to your folks'." You felt pleased, and you were packing the car before you remembered that it was his mate's fortieth that weekend, and that he'd mentioned it twice.

There wasn't much of a fight, and that's the problem. Someone with an accommodating conflict style tends to give way quickly, because your being upset costs them more than missing out. If you're a person with strong opinions, you might not realise how often it's happening. Your relationship feels easy, and you might even be proud of how rarely you argue.

But Hugh remembers each one.

Spot the surrender

It helps to learn what giving in looks like in your particular partner. Some common signs:

• They change their mind very soon after you express a view.
• They add "if that's what you want" or "I don't mind" to the end of a sentence.
• Their voice goes flat, or a little too bright.
• They agree, and then seem tired or distant for the next day or two.
• They do what you asked, more slowly than usual, with a small sigh.

When you see one of these, slow things down. A brief, friendly remark is all that's needed:

"Hang on, you gave that up pretty quickly. You mentioned Sam's fortieth last week. Tell me about that. I want to know what you'd do if I hadn't said anything."

And then, this bit's important, wait. They may need some time. Don't fill the silence with what you think they should say.

Reward disagreement like it's gold

The first time they push back, it might be clumsy. It might come out weeks late, or be over something tiny, or be mixed with an apology. Don't argue with it, even if you think they're wrong. Your first response has a big influence on whether it happens again:

"Thanks for telling me that. I didn't know you felt that way, and I'm glad I do now. Give me a minute to think about it."

You don't have to agree. You just have to make it clear that speaking up doesn't cost them anything. Then, wherever you can, actually change something. If they say they've always hated your family's Sunday lunches, and nothing ever changes, why would they try again?

Practical habits for your home

Decide who decides. Rotate who picks the holidays, the films and where you have dinner. On their turn, they have to choose. There's no "you pick".

Ask before you announce. Saying your preference first can stop them from ever saying theirs. Try asking first: "Before I say what I think, what's your gut telling you?"

Try the two-lists trick. For a larger decision, like moving house, each of you can write down your own wish list before you talk. Then you compare. They get to think it over without being influenced by your face.

Stop using your own strong emotions. If you sigh, slam or sulk when you don't get your way, they may have learned to give way before you get there. It's worth asking yourself, honestly. Could that be what's going on?

Let them be taken care of

People who accommodate may look after everyone else, and they might not know how to accept help. Do something for them with no strings attached. Keep the kids on Saturday so they can see their friends. Tell your mother you'll be having Christmas elsewhere this year, instead of letting them take the heat. Back them up in front of your family. Love is shown by what you protect, too.

If they've spent years going along with things, it might take a while to come out. They might get angry for the first time, or find that they want something quite different from what you assumed. That can be a little frightening, and it may also be the start of knowing each other better. A couples counsellor can help, if it gets hard.

What their love offers

Their flexibility and warmth are real. They make life easy for everyone. They're probably the person who makes your friends feel at home, and they rarely hold onto anger for long. You're lucky to have that, and you need not see it as a problem to be fixed. You simply want the person inside all that kindness to be known too.

Further guides

If they go quiet rather than give in, read how to argue with someone who avoids conflict. If they're dealing with a boss who won't listen, there's how to manage someone who avoids conflict. If you suspect that you may be the competitive one here, have a look at how to give feedback to someone who competes in conflict.

They might tell a page what they've never quite told you. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

How do you act when you disagree, and what might you be missing? Start the Conflict Style Expedition to find out.