How to date someone who collaborates in conflict

Dating someone who collaborates in conflict asks three things of you: show up honestly when they want to talk, say when you need a break from talking, and join the search for a solution that suits you both. They usually believe that problems are worth solving properly. It's a generous way to love someone, though it can feel like a lot if you're used to letting things slide.

The first fight

You've been seeing each other for four months. You were forty minutes late to dinner with their friends, and you got a bit snippy in the car. In your last relationship, this would have meant two days of silence, followed by acting as though nothing had happened.

Instead, the next morning, over toast: "Can I ask about last night? I felt embarrassed when we were late. I also noticed you got quiet afterwards. What was going on for you?"

You may feel relief, suspicion or panic, or even all three. Someone with a collaborating conflict style isn't setting a trap here. They really do want to know. They'd like to understand what happened from your side, and then find a way of doing things that works for both of you.

How to meet them halfway

Answer the question that was asked. "Nothing, I'm fine" tends to invite a follow-up, as they can usually tell. Even a partial answer helps: "I'm not sure yet. I felt embarrassed, and that made me grumpy. Can I think about it?"

Bring your wants, too. Maybe you've learned to go along. A collaborator doesn't really want that, as they're after a real answer that includes you. If you say, "Whatever you want," they may just keep asking. So try to say what you'd actually like.

Propose your own ideas. They'll feel less like they are running the relationship if you come up with options as well. "What if I get ready first, and you do the dog, so that we leave on time?" is a very attractive sentence.

Agree on time limits. There can be such a thing as too much processing. Long talks are easy for some people, and draining for others.

"I want to talk about this, and I've got about half an hour in me tonight. After that, my brain goes to mush, and I start agreeing with things just to make it stop. Can we pick it up tomorrow if we're not done?"

They'll probably thank you for this, as they don't want a fake agreement.

The art of letting something go

You might start to feel that nothing can pass without comment. A small grumble over the dishes can turn into a conversation on household fairness. You could offer them a useful category:

"Can we have a 'not worth a talk' pile? I was a bit cranky about the dishes, and I'm already over it. I'm telling you because I want you to know that I'm over it, and that there's no hidden meaning."

Sometimes the best thing they can learn from you is that a relationship survives a few unexamined annoyances. Sometimes, the best thing you'll learn from them is how much better things feel when you've looked at something honestly.

Timing matters

Your partner might wake up ready to discuss something, or they might want to have it out just as you're trying to sleep. It's fine to ask for a better time. Just give them a real one. "Not now, ever" doesn't count, but "after the footy on Saturday" does. Having a date in mind will help them relax. A collaborator's biggest fear is often that an issue will quietly never get resolved, so a date can ease all sorts of worry.

What you might find you're getting

If you've come from relationships where conflict meant silence or shouting, this one could be a big adjustment. It's also a kind of education. You'll learn to say what you need, and you'll get to see that a disagreement doesn't have to mean something's ending. Your partner probably won't keep score, because they've dealt with things as they've come up. Over the years, this can give you a real sense of being a team. You won't need to wonder what they think of you, or why the air's gone cold.

Your partner may also carry a lot of the emotional work. Thank them, and take the lead sometimes. Book the talk yourself. "Can we check in about how the move's going for both of us?" might be the most romantic thing you say this year.

Other relationships

A partner who's happy to meet in the middle is the subject of how to work with someone who compromises in conflict, and we also cover friends in how to be friends with someone who compromises. If you're the one who always gives way, you may find it helpful to see how to give feedback to someone who accommodates in conflict.

The chat you've both been wanting may start with a page of notes. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Are you ready to talk it out, or do you just want it over with? The Conflict Style Expedition will shine some light on that.