How to be friends with someone who compromises

To be friends with someone who compromises, enjoy how easily they keep the peace, take turns getting what you want, and now and then ask what they'd choose if they didn't have to meet anyone halfway. They tend to value fairness and don't enjoy a standoff. A friend like this makes group life easier, and they deserve their own full-strength choices too.

The friend who books the group holiday

There are eight of you, trying to pick a weekend away. Three want the beach, three want the mountains, one wants to spend no money, and one doesn't reply. Your mate Tom sets up a poll and suggests a lake house that's halfway between, and cheap. No one's thrilled, no one's furious, and the trip actually happens. Without him, the group chat would still be going.

People with a compromising conflict style tend to be the glue of a social circle. If two friends have a falling-out, they might carry messages, and suggest a way for each of them to save face. They'll work out who owes what after dinner, and accept the slightly smaller room. It's easy to enjoy all this without quite noticing it.

Friendship questions and answers

Why does the lake house feel like nobody's first choice?

Because it isn't. Meeting in the middle has its costs. Sometimes a full week at one person's dream destination is better than a watered-down version for everyone. You could suggest taking turns: "This year's your pick, no compromises. Next year's mine." Friends who love fairness tend to find that fair too, and it lets each of you have the whole thing.

What do they really want?

It's a good question to ask out loud, because they may rarely get asked. "If this weekend was only up to you, what would we do?" Their answer might surprise you. Someone who's been agreeing to mid-priced Thai for ten years may be secretly dreaming of a very expensive steak.

What should I do if they try to mediate between me and another friend?

Be grateful, and also clear. You might not want to meet someone halfway on this one. "I know you're trying to help, and I appreciate you. It's not a both-sides thing for me, because she said something really hurtful. I don't need you to take a side, I just need you to know I'm not ready to smooth it over." A compromiser might find this hard to hear. Most will respect it, once they get that it matters.

What if I'm always getting the better end of the deal?

You may well be, especially if you have stronger preferences than they do. Do a quick check over the past few months. Who picks the restaurant? Who drives? If it's lopsided, fix it without any fuss:

"You drove last time and the time before, and I've noticed I always pick where we eat. This one's on me, and you choose the place. No 'I don't mind' allowed."

Can a compromiser tell me a hard truth?

Yes, although they may soften it, or offer "both sides". If you actually want a straight opinion, ask for it directly: "I don't want the balanced view. Should I take the job in Perth?" Asked plainly, they'll often have a thought-through view, since they've been considering both sides all along.

What about when they're upset with me?

They might raise it in a way that sounds like a proposal: "Maybe next time we could split the bill differently?" Pay attention, because this might be a real complaint in very polite clothing. Ask them: "Did that bother you? I'd like to know." Then listen. Take it as a sign of trust.

How can I do something nice for them?

Plan something around what they like, with no vote or poll. Take care of the logistics for once. If they're always the organiser, the greatest gift may be to just say, "It's sorted. Be ready at ten." Knowing someone else has handled all the fair-sharing could feel like a holiday by itself.

Is there a risk in this friendship?

The main risk is simply that they're taken for granted. A person who keeps conceding might get tired, without saying so. If they begin to seem a little distant, or suddenly dig in over something small, it could be months of small concessions finally catching up with them. Check in and see how they're doing.

Other guides

Is your friend someone who gives way entirely, rather than halfway? Then you might want to read how to give feedback to someone who accommodates in conflict and how to love someone who accommodates in conflict. If you've got a mate who'd rather skip the discussion altogether, try how to argue with someone who avoids conflict.

The friend who always asks about everyone else might like to be asked for once. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Are you the dealmaker in your friendship group, or the one who gets the better room? The Conflict Style Expedition may tell you more.