What is the compromising conflict style?

The compromising conflict style means settling a disagreement by having each person give up part of what they want. People who lean on it tend to be fair-minded and practical, and they're keen to keep things moving. It's quick and usually feels even-handed, though it can leave a better solution undiscovered, or leave both people slightly unsatisfied.

In the usual model of conflict styles, compromising sits in the middle, with moderate concern for your own goals and moderate concern for the other person's. Some researchers measure it as a separate style, while others leave it out of shorter models. Either way, it's something most people recognise: "Let's split the difference."

What compromising looks like in real life

You may lean this way if you tend to:

• Suggest "how about we do your idea this time and mine next time?"
• Look for the middle number as soon as two figures are on the table.
• Value a good-enough deal today above a perfect one next month.
• Feel uncomfortable when one person gets everything they wanted.
• Keep a loose mental tally of who gave way last time.
• Feel relieved once a deal's been struck, even if it isn't your favourite outcome.

You'll see it in plenty of families and workplaces, because it gets you out of the room with everyone still speaking to each other.

How compromising shows up

At work

You're likely useful when deadlines are tight and two reasonable people want different things. You help groups stop arguing and get on with it. You're also often seen as fair, which makes you a good person to have around during budget talks.

The catch is that a quick midpoint isn't always a smart one. If one team wants a bridge across a river and another wants no bridge, half a bridge helps nobody. On important or complex decisions, it's worth first asking what each side needs, as you would with the collaborating conflict style. If compromise is still needed after that, it'll probably be a better one.

In love

Long-term relationships run on a certain amount of compromise. Whose family at Christmas, what to watch, how warm to keep the house. Being willing to give and take is a real gift, and it stops small things from becoming big ones.

The watch-out is with things that can't be halved. You can't half move to another country or half have a child. If you find yourselves splitting something that really matters to one of you, it may feel like both of you have lost. On the big things, take the time to talk through what each of you is really after. Couples can also explore this together through how to use personality insights in a relationship.

With friends

You're often the one who says, "Thai or pizza? How about that place with both?" You help groups make decisions and keep the peace without making a fuss. It works well. Just notice if you're always the one who suggests the middle ground because you don't feel comfortable saying what you actually want. That can look a lot like accommodating others, and it's worth knowing which one it is.

Strengths and watch-outs

The strengths are speed, fairness and practicality. You're good at breaking deadlocks and maintaining goodwill. When two sides have equal power and limited time, compromising is often exactly the right choice.

The watch-outs are that it can become a reflex. Some things that help:

1. Ask one more question. Before splitting the difference, ask, "What do you need this for?" You might not have to give anything up.
2. Watch out for inflated offers. If people know you'll meet in the middle, some may start further out.
3. Protect what truly matters. Name your non-negotiables before you begin.
4. Don't trade away principles. Ethics and safety aren't things to go halves on.
5. Check how it felt afterwards. If you always feel a bit flat after agreeing, you may be giving up too much.

How to work with someone who compromises a lot, or hardly ever

Someone who leans on compromising

• Be open about your priorities, so they know what can and can't move.
• Offer a trade: "I care about the deadline more than the budget. What about you?"
• Encourage them to slow down when a decision really matters.
• Appreciate them for keeping things moving. It's a real contribution.

Someone who rarely compromises

• Find out why. They may see the issue as a matter of principle, or they may simply prefer to stand their ground.
• Show them the cost of a stalemate, using concrete terms such as time or money.
• Offer a trial rather than a permanent concession: "Let's try it your way for a month."
• Give credit when they do give ground. It may not come easily.

Research notes

Compared with other conflict styles, compromise has a slightly unsettled place in the research.

• Is it even a separate style? Rahim (1983) treated compromising as one of five independent styles. De Dreu and colleagues (2001), developing a workplace measure, built a lean version with four strategies and an expanded version that added compromising. Both held up psychometrically. So there's value in measuring it, and also room for debate about where it fits.
• How it's perceived. Gross and Guerrero (2000) asked 100 pairs of business students to work through a simulated decision. Compromising tended to be rated as fairly neutral, neither especially appropriate nor especially inappropriate, though some people saw partners who compromised as more effective and appropriate. In short, it's unlikely to win you much praise and unlikely to cause much harm.
• Personality links. Tehrani and Yamini (2020) found compromising was positively linked with agreeableness, extraversion, openness and conscientiousness. Agreeable people are quite willing to give and take, which may be no surprise if you've read about agreeableness as a trait. They also found that some of these links differed between work and academic settings, so the setting seems to matter.

These findings are group-level, and much of the research uses students or workplace samples. Less of it looks closely at couples or friends, so take care when applying them at home.

See the full picture

Compromise is rarely the only style you use. The interesting question is what you reach for first, and whether it's serving you. Take the Conflict Style Expedition to see how you score across all five styles. It takes about four minutes and uses Selfcarta's own questions, which haven't yet been independently validated. You may find that your fair-minded approach has more sides than you thought.