What is agreeableness?

Agreeableness is the Big Five personality trait that describes how much you tend to prioritise getting along with others, trusting them and looking after their needs. People high in it tend to be warm, cooperative and considerate. People low in it tend to be more sceptical, direct and willing to disagree.

It doesn't mean nice versus mean. Someone low in agreeableness can be fiercely loyal and deeply kind, and just won't pretend they like your business plan. Someone high in it can be gracious on the surface and quietly resentful underneath. The trait is about how you tend to handle other people's needs when they bump up against your own.

What agreeableness actually covers

A few related habits sit under this trait:

• Trust: you tend to assume others mean well.
• Compassion: you notice when someone's struggling and want to help.
• Cooperation: you'd rather find common ground than win.
• Modesty: you don't feel much need to promote yourself.
• Straightforward kindness: you try to be considerate in how you say things.

At the other end are healthy scepticism, frankness and comfort with friction. Those qualities are often exactly what a group needs, especially when something's going wrong and nobody wants to say so.

How agreeableness shows up

At work

High scorers tend to be the glue of a team. They smooth over tension, check in on people and share credit. People like working with them. The catch is that they may take on too much, avoid necessary conversations or find it hard to negotiate for themselves.

Low scorers tend to say what others are thinking. They'll question the plan and push for a better deal. In the right role, such as negotiating, auditing, or anywhere an honest critic is valuable, that's a real asset. The risk is being right in a way that makes people stop listening. People high in this trait often lean towards the social career type, though many also thrive in other fields.

In love

Agreeable partners tend to be generous, forgiving and quick to repair things after an argument. The watch-out is keeping the peace for so long that their partner doesn't know something's wrong until it's a big deal. Less agreeable partners tend to be honest about what they want, so you rarely have to guess. Their partners sometimes need to hear more warmth, not just more accuracy.

When one partner is high and one is low, try agreeing on this: the direct one softens the opening, and the gentle one says the actual thing. It's a small trade that changes a lot of arguments.

With friends

High scorers tend to be the friend who drives you to the airport and doesn't mention it again. They may struggle to say no, or to tell you that something you did hurt. Low scorers tend to be the friend who tells you the haircut isn't working, and also the friend you call when you need an honest answer. A strong friendship can hold both, once you know which one you're getting.

Strengths and watch-outs

If you lean high, your strengths include empathy, cooperation and making others feel safe. The watch-out is putting your own needs last until you burn out or boil over. One practical habit: before saying yes, try saying, "Let me check and get back to you." It buys you the time to find out what you really want. There's more on this in our page about the accommodating conflict style.

If you lean low, your strengths include independent thinking, honesty and the ability to hold your ground under pressure. The watch-out is that people can hear your critique as a rejection of them. Try leading with what you agree with, then add the problem. It costs you nothing and keeps the door open. The page on the competing conflict style has more ideas.

How to work with someone high or low in agreeableness

Someone high in agreeableness

• Ask for their real opinion directly, and leave room for it. "What would you change?" works better than "Are you happy with this?"
• Watch for overload. They may not flag it.
• Make it safe to disagree with you, and thank them when they do.
• Stand up for their contribution, because they may not.

Someone low in agreeableness

• Don't take bluntness as hostility. It's often how they show they're engaged.
• Give them clear reasons and data. They'll trust evidence more than reassurance.
• Tell them how a message landed, in concrete terms. They may genuinely not know.
• Give them problems where critical thinking is exactly the job.

Research notes

• Helping. Graziano and colleagues (2007) linked agreeableness to prosocial motivation and to helping across different situations and people. They also found that for people low in prosocial motivation, efforts to prompt empathy could backfire when helping was costly. Telling someone to care more isn't always the answer.
• Conflict. Graziano, Jensen-Campbell and Hair (1996) found that people both high and low in agreeableness rated negotiation and disengagement as better choices than power assertion, but low scorers rated power assertion more favourably than high scorers did.
• Pay. Judge, Livingston and Hurst (2012) found, across four studies, that more agreeable people tended to earn less, and the gap was stronger for men. Their experiment suggested backlash against agreeable men played a part. That's a finding about how workplaces reward people, not about the worth of being kind. It's a good reason for agreeable people to prepare before negotiating.
• Relationships. Malouff and colleagues (2010) pooled 19 samples and found that having a partner higher in agreeableness was linked to greater relationship satisfaction, along with lower neuroticism, higher conscientiousness and higher extraversion. The links are modest and can't show cause. Its neighbour, emotional stability, turned up in the same analysis.

Agreeableness can also be hard to see in yourself. Most of us like to think we're considerate, which is one reason asking friends how they see you can be so useful.

Discover your own balance

Do you tend to keep the peace or say the hard thing? You probably do both, in different places. Take the Core Personality Expedition to see your agreeableness score alongside your other four traits, using public-domain IPIP items. It's a place to start a conversation with yourself, not a judgement.