How to use personality insights in a relationship

The best way to use personality insights in a relationship is as a shared language for understanding each other, not as a compatibility score. Research suggests that how similar you and your partner are explains very little of how satisfied you are. What you do with your differences day to day seems to matter far more.

So if you have ever compared results and worried that you are a bad match, here is some good news.

Being alike matters less than you might think

Portia Dyrenforth and colleagues studied very large, nationally representative samples of married couples in Australia, the United Kingdom and Germany. They looked at three separate things: how your own personality relates to your satisfaction, how your partner's relates to it, and how much it matters that you are alike.

The pattern was clear across all three countries:

• Your own personality accounted for about 6% of the variation in relationship satisfaction
• Your partner's personality accounted for between 1% and 3%
• How similar you were accounted for less than 0.5%, once the other two were taken into account

Note that all of these figures are small. Personality isn't a crystal ball for love. Most of what happens between two people is explained by other things. It is also worth noting that these were married couples who had already found each other, so this doesn't tell you who you should date in the first place.

Which traits show up in the research?

A meta-analysis by John Malouff and colleagues brought together 19 samples with 3,848 participants in intimate relationships. Lower neuroticism and higher agreeableness, conscientiousness and extraversion were linked with more relationship satisfaction.

Those are correlations, so they can't tell us what causes what. A happy relationship might also help a person feel calmer. And none of this means someone low in agreeableness can't be a wonderful partner. Directness has its own value. These are trends across many couples, and they are no judgement on you and yours.

What matters more: how you treat each other

The most useful finding may be from a project by Samantha Joel and colleagues, which applied machine learning across 43 couples datasets from 29 laboratories. The top predictors of relationship quality were features of the relationship itself: feeling your partner is committed, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, feeling your partner is satisfied, and conflict.

Individual differences, including attachment and life satisfaction, did predict quality. But they had no extra predictive power once those relationship factors were counted. The authors suggest that individual differences may do their work through a person's own experience of the relationship. They also found that changes in relationship quality over time were largely unpredictable from any of these self-reports.

Here is how we read that: personality is a helpful way into the conversation. The conversation is where things improve.

Four useful ways to use your results

1. Translate behaviour, don't judge it

Personality insights are at their best when they turn "you never" into "you tend to". If your partner scores lower than you in extraversion, their wanting to leave the party early is not about you. If you are higher in conscientiousness, your wish for a plan isn't a lack of trust.

Try saying: "I think this is one of those places we're wired a bit differently. What would work for both of us?"

2. Plan for your usual friction

Most couples argue about the same few things, again and again. Your results can point to why. One of you may recharge alone and the other with friends. One may want to talk it out tonight and the other may want to sleep on it.

Agree on a plan while you are both calm. For example: "If I need space during an argument, I'll say when I'll come back to it." Our article on attachment styles offers more ideas on handling closeness and space.

3. Say what you appreciate

Since appreciation was among the top predictors in the Joel project, your results can help you do more of it. Pick something your partner does that comes from their nature and that you might take for granted, and name it. "I love that you notice when my mum is off, even before I do" takes ten seconds.

4. Ask how you come across

It can feel exposing to compare how you each see each other, and it can also be some of the most interesting talk you have had in years. Our article on why others might know you better than you do explains why a partner's view can add something new.

On Selfcarta, the Partner circle in Second Sight is built for this. It is a named, one-to-one comparison, so your partner's answers aren't anonymous, and they are told so before they start. You can read more about comparing maps on the couples page.

A few things to avoid

Insights can be misused, so some care helps.

• Don't use a label as a weapon. "That's just your low agreeableness talking" will not go well.
• Don't use it as an excuse. "I'm just an introvert" explains why you need a night in. It doesn't explain cancelling at the last minute for the third time.
• Don't pressure anyone to take a test. Invite, then let it go.
• Don't treat a result as a final word on your future together. No personality test can tell you whether to stay or go.

Start with how you handle disagreements

Disagreement is one of the most useful places to start, since conflict was among the top predictors in the Joel project, and it's where you can do something practical straight away. The Conflict Style Expedition looks at how you tend to compete, collaborate, compromise, avoid or accommodate. It takes about four minutes, is free to take and needs no sign-up. It uses Selfcarta's own questions, which are not yet independently validated, so use your result as a starting point for a good conversation.