How to be friends with someone very direct

Being friends with someone very direct gets easier when you value their honesty, tell them when you want comfort rather than an opinion, and speak up when a comment goes too far. They usually say what they think because they trust you with it. A friend like this can be a real gift, so long as you both know where the edges are.

The friend you ring when it counts

Everyone needs one. You have a new boyfriend, and all your friends say he seems nice. She says, "He interrupted you four times at dinner. Did you notice?" You're annoyed for a week. By the next year, you are telling that story at her fortieth, grateful and laughing, and glad to have somebody who won't just tell you what you want to hear.

A friend who scores lower on agreeableness tends to worry less about whether a remark will go down well. That can make time with them surprisingly restful. You never have to wonder if they're secretly annoyed, because they would have told you by now.

Tell them which mode you need

Here's the most useful sentence in this whole guide. Say it before you tell them anything tender:

"I don't want advice on this one. I just need you to say that it's rubbish and buy me a drink."

Direct friends often think fixing is a form of love. When you describe a problem, they hear a request for solutions, and they're ready to give you one. They may be quite relieved to be told what the job is, and most will happily do it. In fact, you can make it a running joke between you: "Is this a fix-it chat or a swear-at-the-sky chat?"

Common situations

They criticised your plan and you've gone quiet. Don't stew about it. They probably don't know anything's wrong. "That comment about my business idea hit harder than you probably meant. I've been thinking about it all week." Most blunt people would far rather hear that than slowly lose you.

They embarrassed you in front of others. Private honesty and public honesty aren't the same. Ask for what you want: "You can say anything you like to me at home. Please don't do it in front of my in-laws."

You need a soft landing about something big. Grief, a miscarriage, a redundancy: during those times, tact might not be their first instinct, and yet you may find they're the one who actually turns up with a casserole and does your bins. Look at what they do as well as what they say.

Your other friends find them a bit much. You can't manage every room. You could give someone a quiet heads-up ("she's blunt and she's on your side"), then let people work it out.

Learning from them

You might notice that your own habit of softening has a price. How often have you said "It's fine!" when it wasn't? Direct friends tend to be a good place to practise saying the true thing. If you tell them you hated the film, nobody will be hurt. Tell them no to the weekend away, and they probably won't sulk. That's a low-risk place to practise your honesty muscle.

Setting a line

Sometimes direct talk moves from honest to hurtful. If there's a repeated dig at your weight, your parenting or your partner, you may need to name it once, and clearly:

"I like that you're straight with me. But the jokes about my weight aren't okay, and I'd like them to stop. Are we good on that?"

They respect clarity, so this has a decent chance of working. And if a friend keeps doing something after you've asked them to stop, that tells you something too, and you are allowed to see them less.

Further reading

Growing up with this type of person can be different, as you'll see in how to talk to a parent who is very direct. If your friend also stays strangely steady during your worst moments, try how to work with someone calm under pressure, and for a partner like that, how to love someone who stays calm in a crisis.

Knowing how your friends like to be told things helps everyone relax. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Maybe you're the blunt one, and no one's dared to tell you. Try the Core Personality Expedition to get an honest look at how you tend to come across.