How to be friends with someone who feels deeply

Being friends with someone who feels deeply comes down to small, reliable contact, honest conversations about what you can offer, and enjoying the closeness they bring. They tend to experience hurt and worry more intensely than many people, which often goes with real tenderness. Good friendship here isn't about tiptoeing. It's about being someone they don't need to second-guess.

What this friend brings

Start here, because it's what you might overlook. This is the friend who rang on the anniversary of your dad's death, when no one else remembered. They asked what was wrong when you said you were fine, and then waited. They cried at your wedding before you did, and they can tell you precisely how a film made them feel three years later.

A lower score on emotional stability is just one part of a person, and it says nothing about strength. Many people who feel things intensely have become unusually wise about what others are going through.

Five small things that make a big difference

Reply, even briefly

A long silence may be read as something it isn't. "Flat out this week, thinking of you, will call on Sunday" takes eight seconds to write, and may save your friend a day of wondering if they've offended you.

Say what you mean by "fine"

Be straight about your own mood. If you're short with them because of your own bad day, say that. "I'm grumpy about work, nothing to do with you." Otherwise, they may assume it's about them.

Don't compete with solutions

When they've had a rotten week, and they start to tell you about it, try not to say, "Have you thought about...?" until you've asked some questions. A good alternative is, "What was the worst bit?"

Invite them anyway

If they've cancelled twice because they've felt overwhelmed, you might stop asking. Please keep inviting them, without pressure. Try: "We're doing a low-key dinner on Saturday. Come for as long or as short as you like, or not at all, and I'll still ask you next time."

Share your own troubles

It's tempting to shield them from your own problems. But one-way friendships feel odd after a while, and people who feel deeply are often excellent listeners when you're the one struggling. Let them look after you sometimes.

When a misunderstanding happens

You make a joke at the pub, and three days later you hear they were hurt. Your instinct could be to defend yourself: "It was only a joke!" A repair goes further, and it takes less than a minute:

"I heard my joke landed badly on Friday. I'm sorry. That wasn't what I meant, and I care a lot more about you than I do about being funny. Are we okay?"

Try not to promise you'll never upset them again. Just show that you can come back after it happens. Friends who've seen you do this tend to trust you more.

Having limits is fine

You can't be available at any hour, and you shouldn't try. When your friend needs more than you've got, it's fairer to say so than to go quiet and fade away:

"I want to hear all about this, and I can't do it properly tonight. I'm wiped out. Can I ring you tomorrow at lunchtime?"

Then ring tomorrow at lunchtime. If they're leaning on you a lot, you might also ask, kindly, who else they've got, and whether talking with a counsellor could be useful. You can stay a friend without being the only support they have.

Other guides on this trait

If the person is your sister or brother, read how to support a sibling who feels things deeply. For your colleagues, there's how to manage someone sensitive to stress, and also how to give feedback to someone sensitive to stress.

Good friends often want to get it right and can't quite work out how. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Perhaps you're the deep feeler in this friendship, or perhaps you're the steady one. The Core Personality Expedition can help you see how you tend to respond to stress.