How to be friends with someone securely attached

Honesty is most of what it takes to be friends with someone securely attached, along with skipping the mind-reading and giving as much care as you receive. They usually feel at ease with closeness and distance alike, so the friendship can stretch without snapping. The main risk is that you forget they have needs too, since they rarely make a fuss about them.

The low-maintenance myth

Think of your friend Ngaio. You haven't spoken since autumn, and when you finally ring in a panic about your job, she picks up, makes no comment about the gap and asks you what's happened. She isn't keeping count. She doesn't think your silence meant anything about her. She just assumed you were busy, because you usually are.

It's lovely to have someone like that. It can also make you lazy. A friend with a secure attachment pattern won't often chase you or drop hints. So when she mentions that it's been a rough year, you can miss it, because she said it so calmly. Being easy to be with doesn't mean she doesn't need you.

Friendship habits worth building

Ask second questions. They might answer "How are you?" with "Yeah, bit tired, Mum's been unwell." The second question is where the friendship is: "What's going on with your mum?"

Say when you're hurt. There's no need to work up to it or drop hints. A simple comment will do: "I felt a bit forgotten when you didn't invite me on Saturday." You'll probably get a simple answer, and it's over in a minute.

Reach out first sometimes. Notice if you've slid into waiting for them to organise everything. Book the table. Send the silly photo. Turn up at the hospital.

Don't turn them into your therapist. They're good listeners, and that can pull you into very one-sided conversations. Check your balance every so often. Would they know how your week was, and would you know how theirs was?

Learning from how they do things

Spend enough time with a friend like this, and you may start to pick up some of their habits. It's one of the real benefits. Look at what they do when:

• A plan falls through. They tend to shrug and suggest another time, without treating it as a rejection.
• Someone's annoyed with them. They ask about it, listen, say sorry if it's warranted, and then move on.
• They need something. They tell you. "I could use some company on Thursday, do you have time?" is a whole sentence for them.

That last one may be surprisingly hard for you. Try borrowing it. Ask them to help you practise, if you'd like:

"You're so good at just saying what you need. I'm not. I've gone quiet on you a few times when I actually wanted you to ring. I'm going to try telling you instead, and I may be clumsy at it."

Expect them to be pleased, and maybe a little amused.

When your patterns meet

If you tend to worry about friendships, you could read a slow reply as a sign of distance, when they've simply been at the beach with no reception. If you tend to pull away, you may be surprised that they don't take your retreat personally, and that they do eventually ask what's happening. Each of these is useful information. Their calm isn't coolness, and their questions aren't pressure.

Remember, too, that no one's secure in every situation. A friend who's usually unflappable might become unusually clingy after a breakup, or short-tempered during a family illness. Your job at that point is simple. Turn up for them, as they turned up for you. Bring soup. Sit in the waiting room. Don't say "But you're always so together," since that may leave them feeling that they aren't allowed to fall apart.

Other friendships, other styles

Not all of your friends will be this easy to read. You could look at how to date someone with an anxious attachment style for the romantic version of reassurance, and how to be friends with someone anxiously attached for the platonic one. At work, it looks different again, and we cover this in managing someone with anxious attachment.

Even your steadiest friend has a list of things they'd love you to know. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

What do you bring to your friendships? The Connection Style Expedition looks at how you tend to handle closeness and space, which applies well beyond romance.