How to manage someone with anxious attachment

To manage someone with anxious attachment, keep your feedback regular, explain changes in your tone or availability, and let them know where they stand before they need to ask. You don't need to label anyone or discuss their inner life. Consistent, transparent management tends to steady them, and it's good for everyone else as well.

A word of caution first

Attachment research began with close relationships, and you're a manager, not a counsellor. You can't know someone's attachment style from the outside, and you shouldn't try to label a staff member with one. Nor should you bring it up unless they do. Still, some people clearly respond strongly to signs of approval or disapproval from those in charge. If you find that the anxious attachment description rings true for someone on your team, you can use it as a prompt to be clearer, and for nothing more.

How it might look at work

• They ask, "Is that okay?" about work that you would happily have approved without looking.
• They read your one-word email ("Thanks.") as displeasure.
• They work very hard and say yes to everything, partly to stay in your good books.
• After a quiet week from you, they ask to "check in about how things are going".
• They notice team dynamics and shifts in mood long before you do.

Your instinct might be to step back and hope they'll grow out of it. Unfortunately, more distance usually means more worry, which tends to mean more checking.

Five manager moves

1. Put a one-on-one in the diary and hold on to it. If you reschedule, give a reason and a new time in the same message. Cancelling with no explanation is what starts the spiral.

2. Give a running score. Don't let the performance review be the first time they hear how they're doing. A brief weekly comment is enough: "You're on track. The Hughes report was strong. The only thing I'd adjust is the summary."

3. Add a few more words to your emails. You don't have to gush. Compare "See me" with "Can you see me at 3? I'd like your input on the Lee account." Same effort, a very different afternoon.

4. Explain your weather. When you're distracted, tell them. "I'm short today because of the board papers. Nothing to do with you or the team."

5. Build their own judgment. Reassurance can become a loop. Over time, shift from giving answers to asking for their view, then confirming it:

"Before I look at this, how do you rate it yourself? What would you change if you had another day? ... Yes, I agree with all of that. I reckon your read on these is good, so from now on you can send them without running them past me first."

This treats their confidence as something that can grow, and it gives them evidence.

Setting limits with kindness

If you are getting ten check-in messages a day, say so kindly, and give an alternative:

"I value how carefully you work, and you don't need my sign-off on this level of detail. Let's save your questions for our 4pm catch-up. If it's truly urgent, ping me, and otherwise I trust you to make the call."

Then back them, even if they make a call you wouldn't have. That's how trust gets built.

Watch out for overwork, too. Anyone trying hard to win approval may not tell you when they're stretched. Look at their hours, and ask specifically what could be dropped.

Using the strength

An alert colleague may be your best source of information about how the team's feeling. They might tell you that a new starter's been left out, or a client seems less warm. They also tend to bring high commitment and care. Roles involving client relationships, team support or mentoring can suit them well. When they raise something that turns out to be right, tell them.

Keep going

Some of your staff might sit at the opposite end, and our guide to working with someone with avoidant attachment covers this. If you want to understand how the same style shows up in romance, see how to love someone with an avoidant attachment style. Then how to be friends with someone avoidantly attached covers it among friends.

Rather than inferring anything, you can just ask people what helps. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Your own style affects how you lead. Learn more with the Connection Style Expedition, and see how you tend to respond when people need more from you.