How to connect with an avoidantly attached parent

Connection with an avoidantly attached parent tends to grow through shared activities, practical care and small questions, so long as your hopes about what they'll say out loud stay realistic. Many parents like this love their children a great deal and have never learned how to show it in words. You can move closer, and you can also grieve what's missing.

"How's the car going?"

There's a phone call that many adult children know by heart. "How's work? Good. How's the car going? Good. Weather's been ordinary. Here's your mother." It takes ninety seconds. You put the phone down feeling oddly lonely, and also unsure what you wanted to happen.

Maybe your dad never hugged you much, or your mum changed the subject when you cried. They may have come from a home where needing comfort got you nowhere, or a time when no one talked about such things. Our page on avoidant attachment explains the broad pattern. We can't say that's what is going on for your parent, and you can't know for sure either. But it can be a useful lens.

Sometimes, "How's the car going?" really means "I think about you driving on that highway."

A translation exercise

Grab a pen. For a moment, write down what your parent actually does when they care. Some common entries:

• Topping up your tyres when you visit
• Sending you newspaper clippings
• Asking whether you've got enough money
• Turning up to your move with a trailer
• Giving you food to take home, always too much of it

This doesn't erase what you missed, and we're not asking you to pretend it does. It may just show you a stream of affection you've been standing beside for years.

Ways to get closer

Do something together. Long talks across a table might never happen, but a day spent repainting the fence might bring out a sentence you've never heard. Things like driving, gardening and fishing can give people a reason to be together, without having to look at one another.

Ask about facts, not feelings. "What was your first job?" "What was Pop like as a boss?" "How did you and Mum end up in Wagga?" Stories can do what direct questions can't. Sometimes, a feeling might slip out on its way past.

Say your own part simply. You can express love without requiring a response. Try saying it on your way out the door:

"Thanks for today, Dad. I really like spending time with you. See you at Christmas."

And then go. Don't wait for an answer. You've put it there for him to pick up later, and he might, in his own time.

Write it down. Some parents may find a card or letter much easier than a talk. They can read it alone, and they don't need to find the words on the spot. Don't be surprised if you never hear about it. Don't be surprised, either, if you find it years later in a drawer.

When you want to raise something bigger

You might want to talk about your childhood, or about something that hurt. It's reasonable to want that. Be prepared for your parent to deflect, go quiet or tell you it wasn't so bad. If you choose to try, keep it short and focus on what you want now:

"Mum, I know you did a lot for us, and I know it was hard. I'd have loved more hugs when I was little, and I'd still like one when I see you. That's all. You don't have to say anything."

If they can't meet you there, it's not proof that they don't love you, and it doesn't mean you were wrong to ask. A friend or a counsellor can help you with the part that your parent can't.

Letting go of the movie version

Many of us carry a picture of the moment when our parent finally says it all. It might come, and if so, that will be lovely. It also might not. What may be in reach is something plainer: a shared job, a better phone call, a hand on your shoulder at the airport. Enjoy that, if you can, and get your deeper talks elsewhere. You might also take a look at how you do things with your own kids and partner. Some patterns get passed down, and you have some say in that.

Other guides

If you tend to get pulled in and pushed away by someone close, you may recognise how to love someone with fearful-avoidant attachment. We also look at being friends with someone fearful-avoidant and how to support a sibling who is fearful-avoidant, which may be useful if you grew up in the same house.

Some parents will happily tick a box, even if they'd never start the talk. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

What did you take from your family about closeness? The Connection Style Expedition can give you a starting point.