How to date someone with a secure attachment style

If you want to know how to date someone with a secure attachment style, start by saying what you want directly, dropping the games and giving yourself time to get used to feeling settled. They tend to be comfortable with closeness and with independence, and they often assume things will work out. If that feels strange or even dull at first, you're not alone.

"Where's the spark?"

Your last relationship was a thrill ride. You'd wait three days for a message, then get flowers, then more silence. Now you've met Ben. He said he would call on Tuesday, and on Tuesday he called. He asked you out again at the end of the first date. He told you about his ex without drama. You feel a little confused, and you catch yourself wondering if you're actually attracted to him.

It's common to mistake anxiety for chemistry. A nervous stomach can feel a lot like butterflies. So if a relationship feels calm, give it a fair go before deciding nothing's there. Attraction doesn't need uncertainty to grow, though it may take some adjusting if that's all you have known.

Our page on secure attachment has more about what this pattern tends to look like. Nobody is secure all of the time, and "secure" doesn't mean perfect.

How they might surprise you

• They ask what you meant. You make a slightly sharp comment. Rather than sulking or firing back, they say, "That sounded a bit annoyed. Did I do something?"
• They're fine without you. They'll happily see their friends on a Saturday, and they won't read much into it if you see yours.
• They raise problems early. "I felt left out at your work thing" comes up the next day, not six months later.
• They forgive quickly. A bad night doesn't turn into a question about the entire relationship.

What to do differently

Tell them straight

Tactics tend not to land. If you go quiet to see whether they'll chase you, they might simply think you need some space. It isn't that they don't care. They're taking your behaviour at face value. Saying what you want will get you much further:

"I liked seeing you last night, and I'd love to do it again this week. I'm also new to all this straightforward stuff, so bear with me if I get a bit weird."

Let yourself be known

Their steadiness can be a good place to share the things you usually hide. Start small: a fear about money, say, or the way you get after a fight with your mum. Watch how it's received. Seeing them respond with interest, over and over, can gradually change what you expect from a partner.

Stay yourself

There's a trap on the other side, too. When you've found someone reliable, you might lean on them so much that you stop looking after your own life. Keep your friends and your hobbies. Don't hand over all your emotional regulation to them just because they're good at it.

Notice your urge to test

You may find yourself picking a fight, or checking for proof that the calm isn't real. That's understandable if your past has taught you to look out for trouble. Try saying it out loud instead:

"Things are good, and it's making me nervous. I keep waiting for it to go wrong. I don't need you to do anything. I just wanted you to know."

A secure partner is likely to take that in their stride, and it might become one of your closer moments.

Is it all easy?

Not always. Secure partners can have their own blind spots. They may find it hard to understand why you need reassurance, since they don't need much themselves. If "You know I love you" isn't quite cutting it, ask for what would help: "I know you do. Can you still say it now and then? It does something for me." They also have bad days, and people who score secure on a questionnaire can still act badly at times. Judge how they treat you, not the label.

More to explore

Secure friends can teach you plenty too, which we discuss in how to be friends with someone securely attached. If you're the one who gets nervous, see the partner's view in how to date someone with an anxious attachment style. You might also recognise a close friend in being friends with someone anxiously attached.

Straight talk is what they do best, so give them something to go on. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Are you more settled, or more on edge, in love? Find out with the Connection Style Expedition, a set of plain questions about how you tend to handle closeness.