How to love someone who is relaxed about plans

You love someone who is relaxed about plans by enjoying the ease they bring, deciding together which commitments truly can't slip, and refusing to become their personal assistant. Being laid-back about plans is a tendency, not a sign that they care less. The goal is a shared life in which their lightness and your needs both get room.

Two people, one road trip

You have checked the tyres and downloaded the maps. They have packed one bag and forgotten the charger. Somewhere around Dubbo, they spot a sign for a sheep-shearing show and want to pull over. You had a dinner booking at seven. By the end of that trip, you may have your best story of the year, or your worst fight. Possibly both.

People lower in conscientiousness tend to live closer to the present moment. That is often why you fell for them. They were the one who suggested swimming in October, and who stayed cheerful when the car broke down. The same tendency can also feel exhausting when the rego has lapsed and the wedding gift is still unbought.

Sort your life into three lists

Sit down one quiet evening, and sort the things you share:

1. Fixed points. These affect other people or cost real money. Think rent, medication, school pick-up, your sister's wedding. You both commit to these.
2. Preferences. These are things one of you cares about more. You might like arriving early, and they might not mind cutting it fine. Trade on these: you can leave at 6:30 for the concert, and they can choose what you do on Sunday.
3. Let it go. Unmade beds, for example. Life is short.

This list means you stop reopening every issue as if it were a test of love.

Stop being the reminder service

A common pattern creeps in. One partner remembers everything, then gets resentful, while the other feels nagged, then tunes out. Each person's behaviour feeds the other's. The way out is real ownership, even when it costs something.

You could say:

"I've turned into the household alarm clock, and I don't like who I am when I'm doing it. Can you take over the car and the vet, completely? If something gets missed, it gets missed, and I won't say I told you so."

Then you have the hard part: not saying it. Let them find their own method, which may look strange to you. A wall calendar, phone alerts or a mate who reminds them are all fine. And when they do follow through, say that you noticed.

Saying what lateness does to you

"You're always late" tends to start a court case. They will produce the three times they were on time. Tell them what the experience is like for you:

"When we're late to Mum's, I spend the drive feeling tense, and then I'm not much fun when we get there. I'd love to arrive on time for the things that matter to my family. Can you help me with that on Sunday? We need to leave by 11."

Offering the exact leaving time is not babying them. It's giving them information they can act on.

What they give you

Make time to notice this side, because planners can miss it. They remind you the world doesn't end when a booking falls through. They might pull you away from your laptop to look at a sunset, or say yes to the neighbours' barbecue. In a crisis, they could be the one saying, "All right, what do we do now?" while you are still mourning the plan.

Ask them to choose something unplanned for you both once in a while. Give in to it. You might even like it.

Keep reading

Check whether this sounds like your family as well, in how to plan with a sibling who runs late. A partner who is the life of every party may also enjoy what's in how to manage someone high in extraversion, and quieter types can see themselves in giving feedback to someone low in extraversion.

Love is easier with fewer guessing games. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Which of you is really the planner, and by how much? Each of you can take the Core Personality Expedition, then compare notes over a meal that one of you remembered to book.