How to give feedback to someone low in extraversion

When you give feedback to someone low in extraversion, do it privately, send the topic in advance, and give them time to think before you expect a response. They often prefer to process ideas internally before speaking. If you treat a pause as thinking and not as a problem, you are likely to get a far better conversation.

Why the usual approach can miss

The standard meeting room chat rewards quick responses. You speak, you stop, you look at them, and now they are expected to react. Someone lower in extraversion may need a while to work out what they think. So they say "yeah, okay", and you leave believing it's settled. Two days later, a carefully written email arrives with a good counterpoint, and you wonder why they didn't mention it at the time.

Well, they hadn't thought of it at the time. They were thinking of it during the next two days.

How to set it up

Pick the channel together

Ask early in your working relationship: "When I've got something to raise, would you rather I write it down first or just talk?" Quite a few people will pick a short written note followed by a chat. It lets them have their first reaction in private, which can be a real relief.

Never in front of the group

Public praise might even be uncomfortable, and public criticism is usually worse. Keep your comments for a one-on-one. A walk or a side-by-side coffee can feel less like a spotlight than sitting across a table.

Give them a preview

A message like this takes a few seconds to write:

"On Thursday I'd like to talk about how the client workshop went. Mostly good, with one thing I'd like to work on: you know the material better than anyone, but the client didn't hear much from you. Have a think about what would have made it easier to speak up."

During the conversation

Slow down. Say your piece in a few sentences, then stop talking. Count to ten in your head if you need to. If you fill the gap with more talk, you take away the space they need.

Asking an open question beats asking for an instant verdict. Try "What's your read on that?" or "Which part rings true?" If they need longer, offer it: "You don't have to answer now. Send me your thoughts tomorrow, or we can pick it up on Friday."

Then follow through and actually pick it up on Friday, because quiet people's input often vanishes when nobody asks twice.

Feedback about being quiet

Here's a tricky one. Sometimes the feedback itself is about visibility, for example when a manager says "you need to speak up more". This can sound like "you need to be a different person". What's more useful is to say what is at stake, and to widen the ways of contributing:

"Your analysis on the pricing review changed my mind, and only I saw it. I want the leadership team to see that too. Would you rather present one slide at the next meeting, or send a written note out under your own name? Either would work for me."

That invites a contribution without asking them to perform a personality they don't have.

A note on positive feedback

Don't save your good words for meetings. A two-line message that says what went well, and why it mattered, tends to mean a lot to someone who has probably thought about it more than you know. They may even keep it.

Related guides

Quiet people are sometimes also the most accommodating on the team, so it's worth reading how to work with someone who is highly agreeable and how to give feedback to someone highly agreeable. Their partners may recognise some of this as well, as we cover in how to love someone who is highly agreeable.

You could skip the guesswork and simply ask them to write down what suits them. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

The speed at which you like to talk things through is itself a clue about you. Discover more in the Core Personality Expedition.