How to give feedback to someone sensitive to stress

To give feedback to someone sensitive to stress, tell them the topic and the stakes up front, keep it short and specific, and finish with a clear next step. A long lead-up gives dread time to grow. Being kind here does not mean holding back. It means removing the uncertainty that makes hard news feel worse than it is.

What happens in the gap

There is a gap between "Can I talk to you about something?" and the actual conversation. For a lot of people, that gap is nothing. For someone lower in emotional stability, it can be an entire afternoon of rehearsing the worst outcome. By the time you sit down to mention a formatting error, they may have mentally packed their desk.

So your first job is to close the gap.

Before, during and after

Before

Choose the time with care. Late on Friday means they carry it all weekend. First thing on Monday, followed by a day of meetings, doesn't leave room to absorb it. Tuesday at 10am is unglamorous and excellent.

Word the invitation so it answers the question they will be asking:

"Got fifteen minutes at 10? I'd like to go over how the Hendry quote was put together. It's a process thing, your job is fine, and I think it'll be an easy fix."

If the matter is serious, don't say it's easy. You can say, "It's important, and I'd like us to work through it together." False comfort tends to do more damage down the track than the original news.

During

• Put the point in the first two sentences. Warm-up chat often makes them more nervous, because they know something's coming.
• Describe the event, not the person. "The quote left out freight" works. "You've been careless lately" doesn't, and it's also harder to act on.
• State what isn't in question: "Your client relationships are strong, and that hasn't changed."
• Allow for feelings. If they get teary or go quiet, don't panic, and don't rush to take it back. Offer a pause: "Take a moment. Would you like to finish this now, or pick it up after lunch?"

Tears don't always mean the conversation has gone badly. They can simply mean someone cares, and they often pass quickly when no fuss is made.

After

The hours after feedback are when the replay begins. A brief written note can act as an anchor:

"Thanks for this morning. To recap: we'll add a freight check to the quote template, and that's the only change I'm after. You took that on really well."

They can read that at midnight, when their memory has turned your comments into something bigger. Then, a few days later, notice one thing they did right and mention it.

What not to do

Don't stop giving feedback. Managers sometimes back off from sensitive staff altogether. It might feel kind, but they lose the chance to improve, and they may sense you're holding back, which is worse.

Don't soften until it means nothing. "It might possibly be worth thinking about whether..." leaves a person guessing, and guessing is exactly what you wanted to spare them.

Don't discuss their sensitivity. "I know you take things hard, so..." tends to make someone feel watched. Just deliver the message well.

Going beyond the workplace

A lot of this also holds for sisters, partners and friends. Say what it's about, say how big it is, and say what stays the same. A person who feels things keenly will often hear something you say and take it seriously. That's what you want from anybody.

Related reading

For a change of pace, see how a different colleague reacts to input in how to work with someone high in openness. Partners need honest talk too, which we cover in how to date someone open to new experiences. And if your friend prefers things to stay as they are, how to be friends with someone who likes routine has ideas for raising new things gently.

The best feedback plans start by asking the person what works. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Your own reaction to criticism may tell you plenty. Take the Core Personality Expedition and see how you tend to handle pressure.