How to get along with an extroverted sibling

To get along with an extroverted sibling, make time for just the two of you, speak up instead of waiting for a gap, and let go of the old comparison. They may have taken up a lot of space growing up, and you might have settled into being "the quiet one". Those are old roles, and you're both allowed to outgrow them.

The roles you were handed

"This is Lucy, she'll talk your ear off. And that's Ben, he's our quiet one." You've heard it at every family event since you were five. Your sister got the lead in the school musical. You got told you were "no trouble". Now you're both in your thirties, and at Dad's birthday, she's holding court while you're doing the dishes, listening to it all from the kitchen.

So is she taking all the attention, or are you hiding? Probably a bit of each. An extrovert tends to fill a silence without noticing, partly because talking is how she connects. You may have let her do that because it was easier. Family systems settle in a way that suits everyone, until suddenly they don't.

And she may have her own story. She might feel she was always the one expected to keep things lively, or that Mum confided in you because you were the sensible one. Ask her some time. The answer could surprise you.

In the old family home

Being back with your family can make you act twelve again. Some things that can help during long visits:

• Build in an escape. Take the dog out, go and buy milk, or do the school run. You aren't being rude by getting an hour's quiet.
• Choose your room. At Christmas, she may rule the lounge. You could have your best talks with your nieces in the backyard.
• Stop doing the dishes in protest. If you're doing it to be alone, wonderful. If you're doing it and keeping score, come back to the table.
• Take the floor occasionally. You don't need to compete, but you can say, "I want to finish my story," when you've been talked over. She probably won't mind, and your family might be startled.

One-on-one is a different sibling

Many talkative siblings are quite different without an audience. With no group to entertain, she may ask you real questions, and even listen. Try suggesting something just for you two, with an activity that fits both of you:

"Do you want to go for a drive out to Nan's old place on Saturday, just us? I feel like I only ever see you with twenty people around. I'd like to hear how you're really going."

Handling the constant contact

Your brother might ring you while he's stuck in traffic and expect a chat, or he may send you ten voice messages. If that's too much, set a limit, with some warmth:

"I'm rubbish on the phone during the week, and it isn't about you. Sunday mornings are great. I can chat for as long as you like then, with coffee."

Then pick up on Sunday. It's a small thing, and it keeps him from thinking you've written him off.

He might also try to organise you. "Come on, we're all going out, don't be boring!" That one word can sting a lot from a sibling. Try saying, "I'm not boring, I'm tired, and I'll see you at breakfast." You can say it lightly, and you can repeat it every year if you have to.

Sharing the load of ageing parents

When parents need care, your natural differences might turn out to be a huge help. An extroverted sibling can make the calls, chase the doctors, charm the aged care manager and keep the wider family informed. You might be better placed for sitting quietly with Dad, going through the paperwork, or noticing small changes in how he's coping. Say this out loud, and split it up accordingly. It also gets you out of arguing about who's doing more.

What they've done for you

They may have broken the ice at every new school. Perhaps they spoke up to your parents when you couldn't. Maybe you got invited to things because of them. And if you say how much that meant, it might mean a lot in return, as extroverts do not always hear they've been appreciated for anything other than being fun.

Worth reading next

Some people aren't one thing or the other, as you'll see in how to work with an ambivert and how to date an ambivert. If you're the quiet one in this story, you may feel seen by how to be friends with an introvert, which you could forward to your sibling.

Siblings often know each other's history without really knowing each other's needs. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Were you really the quiet one, or was there just no room? The Social Energy Expedition may offer a fresh answer.