How to be friends with an introvert

Smaller plans, easy exits and a relaxed attitude to their quiet are the heart of how to be friends with an introvert. Most introverts enjoy people a lot. They just tend to spend social energy faster and need time alone to refill it, so a good friendship leaves room for that.

Some things you can stop worrying about

"They're quiet, so they must be bored." Often they're listening hard. An hour later, they'll say the one thing that shows they caught everything.

"They left the party at nine, so they had a bad time." They may have had a great time, and just reached the end of their battery. Leaving before it gets flat is one way of keeping the memory good.

"They didn't reply for three days, so I've upset them." Your message might be sitting there with every intention of a thoughtful reply. It's not about you. They'll get to it.

"They don't want to come out, so they don't like me." Perhaps they like you very much, and also spent the whole day in workshops. It isn't a popularity contest.

"They must be shy." Maybe, but shyness and introversion are not the same. Plenty of introverts are confident public speakers who then want a dark room and no talking for the rest of the night.

Plans that tend to work

Think about what kind of hangout suits them. Their ideal Saturday may not be a loud bar with twelve of your closest mates. Some ideas that often go down well:

• A long walk with one or two people
• Cooking together at your place
• Watching a film, followed by a good chat about it
• Going to the op shops with no particular plan
• Sitting on a verandah, doing separate things in the same space

That last one's underrated. Being able to read your book near a friend, and not talk, is a mark of real closeness in many introverts' lives.

The art of the invitation

Give some notice. A surprise "We're all at the pub, come now!" might get a no, simply because they had planned on a quiet night. Tell them who's going and how long it will be. That's useful data for working out how much energy to bring.

An exit clause is also a kindness:

"It's my birthday dinner on the 12th. About eight people, at the Thai place. Come for the entree and head home if you've had enough, and I'll be happy you came. No speeches, I promise."

What about parties? If you know they'll struggle, stick nearby for the first ten minutes, introduce them to someone you think they'd click with, and then leave them to it. Don't announce to the whole room, "This is Maya, she's really quiet!"

Staying close over time

Introverts sometimes go a long time between catch-ups and feel just as close when they next see you. It doesn't mean you've slipped down the list. If you do need more contact than that, it's fine to ask for it, as you may have different needs:

"I know you're not a big phone person, and I love you for who you are. I do miss you when we go a month without speaking. Would a walk every second Sunday work for you, or is that too much?"

Writing might suit them better, too. Many introverts are far more themselves in a long message than at a noisy table, so don't overlook that as real contact.

What you're getting

Introverted friends may have fewer friendships, and go deeper in them. Your friend will probably remember what you said about your sister. They'll think about your problem on their own time and come back with something useful on Wednesday. They won't need you to be funny or impressive. For a lot of people, time with an introverted friend is a place to take a breath.

If you're an extrovert in this friendship

Enjoy the differences. You can get them to places that they'd never have gone without you, and they may say that's why they love you. They can show you the pleasure of a slower evening. For a view of how this looks at work, see how to work with an introvert, or, if you lead a team, how to manage an introvert. Romantic partners may prefer how to date an introvert.

Rather than wonder, why not let your friends tell you what suits them? Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Where do you fall yourself? The Social Energy Expedition looks at what recharges you, and it may show why your friendship balance works the way it does.