How to date an extrovert

Dating an extrovert is a chance to enjoy a bigger social world, as long as you agree how much of it you share and protect your one-on-one time. They tend to feel energised by people and may want to talk things through as they happen. Plenty of couples thrive on this, particularly when no one's keeping score.

A diary from month three

Week one. Met all their friends. They were lovely. You can't remember anyone's name.

Week two. You mention you might stay home on Saturday. They look at you as if you've said you might move to Antarctica.

Week five. They told a table of people a funny story about you. It was affectionate. You wish they'd asked.

Week nine. You had a long weekend away, just the two of you. It was your favourite time so far. On the Sunday night, they got restless and rang three people.

Week twelve. You've noticed that you've got more friends than you've ever had. You've also noticed you're tired.

If this sounds familiar, you've got yourself an extrovert, and perhaps you're wondering how to make it last.

Three conversations worth having early

How many nights out?

Get specific, as vague resentment tends to grow in the gaps. Sit down with the calendar on a Sunday. One couple might settle on one big night together, one night each to do as they please, and the rest at home. Whatever you land on, remember that this deal isn't a test of love. It's scheduling.

What can be shared?

Many extroverts process things out loud, sometimes in public. Your fight, your job trouble and your mum's health might get talked over with friends long before you'd have chosen to mention them. Say what's off limits:

"I love that you're so open with people. Please leave my family stuff out of it, though. If you need to talk it through, I'm happy for you to tell Jess, but not the whole table."

What do you each need afterwards?

After a party, they could want to go through every conversation, while you may just want quiet. Agree on a handover. Maybe you'll give them fifteen good minutes in the car, then have the rest of the night in peace.

Going out as a team

You don't need to stay for the whole thing. Take two cars, or set a code word. Agree that you can head home while they stay on, and no one's a party pooper. It might be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship.

They might also help you at events. A good extroverted partner can scout a room, introduce you to someone you'd like and rescue you from the bloke talking about his boat. Tell them that's what you want:

"At the wedding, can you stick with me for the first half-hour? Then go and do your thing. Come back for the speeches and tell me who's interesting."

When you need more of them

It's easy to think that people who love company must always have plenty of attention for you. But being surrounded by others can leave a partner feeling like one of the crowd. If you've been missing them, say so. Don't wait until it comes out as a dig about "your friends".

"I love your friends, and I've also been missing just us. Can we do Tuesday night with our phones off? You pick the place."

Most will happily take that up, since you've asked for more time with them.

When they need more from you

Your partner might feel lonely when you're silent, even when you're sitting in the same room. For them, chatting is how they connect. Ten minutes of real talk over dinner, even when you'd rather be silent, can really fill their cup. So can coming along to something you wouldn't choose, once in a while. If you need an hour first, say that. Letting them feel they're married to a friend and not a closed door will take very little from you.

A word on jealousy: they might be friendly with everyone, and to someone more reserved, that may look like flirting. Sometimes it's just how they are, and sometimes it isn't. If something is bothering you, ask about it plainly, and without an accusation.

What it's like at its best

You'll get more laughter than you might have had otherwise, a wider circle and fewer boring Sundays. Meanwhile, they might get a place to land, and someone who hears the things they don't say. A lot of relationships are built on just that exchange.

Keep reading

For family dynamics, try how to get along with an extroverted sibling. If your partner's energy goes up and down a lot, consider how to work with an ambivert and how to date an ambivert.

You can both write down what you need for an ideal weekend, then compare. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

Want to see how your own social battery works? Take the Social Energy Expedition before you say yes to the next dinner party.