How to be friends with someone avoidantly attached

Being friends with someone avoidantly attached works best when you keep the invitations light, value doing things side by side, and don't measure the friendship by how often they text or how much they share. They tend to value independence and may keep some distance even from people they like a lot. Their loyalty is often real, just quieter than you expect.

Three friendships in one person

Your mate Callum is three people, depending on the setting.

In a group, he's great. He's funny, relaxed and generous with his shout.

One on one, when things are light, he's still great. You've spent whole days on a boat together, and it's been easy.

When you ask how he's really going, he says "Yeah, good, busy," and goes to look at the barbecue. You found out his marriage had ended when someone else told you. He'd known for two months.

It's natural to feel hurt by this. You've told him everything, and he has told you almost nothing. But for someone with an avoidant attachment style, handling things alone may be a long-held habit, not a statement about what you mean to him. He might not even think of telling you, as he has never needed to tell anyone anything.

What to do more of

• Activities. Bushwalks, fixing a car, cooking, gigs. A shared task gives closeness somewhere to sit, and talking tends to come more easily when you're both looking at something else.
• Open-ended invitations. "Going to the markets on Saturday if you feel like it" leaves room. "We NEED to catch up" might sound like an obligation.
• Long gaps with no guilt. When you do meet up, skip "It's been forever! Why haven't you called?" Start with "Good to see you." You will likely see them more if seeing you never comes with a telling-off.

What to do less of

• Reading silence as rejection. Before you decide you've been dropped, consider that they might not have noticed the time passing.
• Pressing for feelings. A question like "But how do you feel about that?" might get you a closed door. A more sideways question, like "What's the hardest part of the week been?" might do better, and "That sounds rough, want a beer?" is sometimes all that's needed.
• Making a fuss when they open up. Treat it lightly if they do, and don't go on to tell everyone.

When they're going through it

This is the real test, as they may not ask for help. So offer something practical instead of "Let me know if there's anything I can do", because they won't let you know.

"I'm dropping dinner at yours on Wednesday. I'll leave it on the step if you don't feel like company, and I'll hang around if you do. Either's fine."

You've helped, you haven't asked them to need you, and the door's open. Over time, they may be surprised to find they want to walk through it.

If you need more from the friendship

You're allowed to say so, and doing so isn't needy. Just keep it specific and don't turn it into a trial.

"I don't need you to talk about feelings all the time. I'd really like to hear when something big happens, though. Finding out about your job from Sarah stung a bit. Can you give me a two-line text next time?"

A two-line text is a manageable request. You might get a slightly awkward "Yeah, fair enough," and then, next time, a two-line text. Celebrate it quietly, and don't make them regret it.

You could also accept that they're one kind of friend, not every kind. Keep others for the long, late-night talks. Asking each friend to be all things tends to wear everyone out.

What they offer

Self-reliant friends often don't keep score. They rarely get jealous if you make new friends. They don't take it personally if you're busy for three months. And when your car breaks down at midnight in Goulburn, they may turn up without comment, fix it and drive home. You'd be surprised how far that kind of friend will go, even if they might never put it into words.

Related reading

For the workplace version, read how to work with someone with avoidant attachment. If this sounds like your dad, try how to connect with an avoidantly attached parent. You might also know someone who wants closeness and fears it at once, which is the topic of how to love someone with fearful-avoidant attachment.

Friends like this can be hard to ask directly, though they may enjoy filling something out. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

How much closeness do you want from your mates? Work out your own answer with the Connection Style Expedition.