What is emotional self-awareness?

Emotional self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling as it happens, put an accurate name to it and understand what set it off. People high in it tend to know the difference between being hurt, tired and annoyed, and that often gives them more choice about what to do next. It's a skill you can build with practice, and it's the starting point for the wider set of skills known as emotional intelligence.

There's a simple test. Think about the last time someone asked how you were. If your answer could only be "fine", "stressed" or "bad", you're in very good company, and you've also got room to grow. "Stressed" might actually mean overwhelmed, resentful, scared of letting someone down, or plain hungry. Each one calls for something different.

What emotional self-awareness covers

It tends to involve a few linked abilities:

• Noticing: catching a feeling early, often through your body, such as tight shoulders, a hot face or a sinking stomach.
• Naming: finding a precise word, rather than a vague one.
• Understanding the cause: working out what's actually behind it.
• Spotting patterns: knowing that Sunday nights or calls with your mother tend to do something particular to you.
• Seeing the impact: recognising how your mood affects your behaviour, and how it affects others.

It's different from simply being emotional. You can have big feelings and not know what they are, or have quiet ones and know them precisely.

How emotional self-awareness shows up

At work

If you lean high, you might notice that you're being short with a colleague because you're worried about something else, and you'll say so. You may be able to tell when you're too wound up to send that email. You can also say, "I'm a bit defensive about this, give me a minute", which tends to calm a room down.

If you lean low, you may be blindsided by your own reactions, such as a sudden urge to quit or snapping at somebody for what seems like nothing. You may also misread energy as something else. A short check-in can help: take 30 seconds before an important meeting to ask what you're feeling and what you want from it. Pay attention to the feedback you get too. Our article on how accurately people rate themselves is a good reality check.

In love

Being able to say "I'm not angry with you, I'm embarrassed about what happened" can change the course of a whole evening. When you know what you're feeling, you can fight about the actual issue. When you don't, you may argue about the dishes for an hour when it was never about the dishes.

Self-awareness can also help you see your patterns. Do you tend to chase when you feel unsure, as in anxious attachment? Do you go quiet when things get close, as in avoidant attachment? You can't change a move you can't see.

With friends

Friends with this skill can tell you, "I'm jealous, and I hate that I'm jealous, but I'm so glad for you." That's a remarkably bonding sentence. They're also better at knowing when they need company and when they need an early night. If this doesn't come easily, try telling one friend something a bit more precise than "I'm okay" next time they ask.

Strengths and watch-outs

If you lean high, your strengths include honesty, steadier decisions and quick repair after a misstep. You can often work out what you need and ask for it. The watch-out is thinking your way around in circles. There's a difference between reflecting, which is curious, and ruminating, which feels like a loop of worry. If you've gone over something a third time, go for a walk or talk to someone. You've probably got what you're going to get from thinking about it.

If you lean low, your strengths may include getting on with things and not being thrown by every passing mood. The watch-out is that feelings you don't notice can still drive what you do, and others may see them before you do. A small daily habit is the best place to start.

How to build it

1. Expand your vocabulary. Instead of "bad", try disappointed, ashamed, lonely, irritated or flat. Look up a list of emotion words and keep it handy.
2. Do a body scan. Twice a day, notice what's going on in your shoulders, jaw and stomach. Then ask what that might be about.
3. Keep a short log. Note what happened, what you felt and what you did. After a couple of weeks, patterns will appear.
4. Ask "what else?" Your first answer may be anger, and there may be something else underneath.
5. Ask someone who knows you. "How can you tell when I'm stressed?" can be an eye-opening question. Second Sight is built around this idea.

How to work with someone high or low in self-awareness

Someone high in emotional self-awareness

• Take what they say about their feelings at face value. They've probably thought about it.
• Respect it when they ask for a break. They probably know when they've hit their limit.
• Don't expect them to have everything sorted, though. Knowing a feeling isn't the same as controlling it.

Someone low in emotional self-awareness

• Don't ask "what's wrong?" over and over. They may genuinely not know yet.
• Offer time, or an option: "You seem a bit tense. Is it the deadline?"
• Describe what you see without telling them what they feel. "You've gone quiet" is better than "you're angry".
• Give progress time. It's easier to notice in someone else first.

People who tend to avoid conflict sometimes benefit from these skills in particular, because naming a feeling makes it much easier to raise an issue.

Research notes

• Precise words. Barrett and colleagues (2001) found, using a 14-day diary and lab measures, that people who made finer distinctions between negative emotions reported regulating those emotions more often, especially when feelings ran high. Kashdan, Barrett and McKnight (2015) reviewed later work linking this kind of "emotional granularity" with fewer unhelpful coping habits under stress. They also note that it can be improved with practice.
• Putting feelings into words. Lieberman and colleagues (2007) found in a brain-imaging study that labelling emotional images reduced activity in the amygdala and related regions. It's a lab study, so it doesn't prove that naming your feelings will fix a hard day. But it's consistent with the old idea that naming a feeling helps.
• Reflection or rumination. Trapnell and Campbell (1999) separated two kinds of self-focus: rumination and reflection. Their work helps explain why people who pay a lot of attention to themselves can have more self-knowledge and yet also more distress. The kind of attention seems to matter.
• Barriers to knowing yourself. Carlson (2013) argued that mindfulness, meaning paying attention to your experience without judging it, may help with both the information we lack and the urge to protect our egos. This is a proposed route, with evidence still building.
• You and your friends. Vazire (2010) found that people were better than their friends at judging traits related to neuroticism, while friends were better on intellect-related traits. So you may know your inner states better than anyone, and still benefit from outside views.

Start with what you can measure

You can't practise a skill if you don't know where you're starting. Take the Emotional Intelligence Expedition to see your score on self-awareness, along with self-management, social awareness and relationship management. It takes about six minutes and uses Selfcarta's own questions, which haven't yet been independently validated. Use the result as a conversation starter with yourself, and see what you notice next.