How to talk to a parent who prefers the familiar

When you talk to a parent who prefers the familiar, start from what they already value, change one thing at a time, and leave them in charge of as much as you can. Pushing harder usually makes them hold on tighter. Curiosity about why the old way matters tends to open more doors than a good argument.

The argument you keep having

You bought Mum a tablet so she could see the grandkids on video. It sits in its box. You showed her twice. She says the landline works perfectly well, and you drive home wondering why everything has to be so hard.

Now look at it from her chair. She has used that phone for thirty years. She knows every number by heart. The tablet makes her feel slow in front of her own child, the person she used to teach. So the refusal may be less about the device than about what it is like to be a beginner at seventy-four.

Your parent's preferences have a history too. A person lower in openness has often built a whole, working life on doing things the tested way, and it has served them well. They may have been the one who kept the household afloat through hard years by not taking risks.

Questions before suggestions

Try asking before you advise. These open things up without a lecture:

1. "What do you like about how you do it now?"
2. "What would you hate to lose if this changed?"
3. "Who do you trust on this sort of thing?"
4. "If you did want to try it, what would make it easier?"

That third question is a sleeper. Often a parent will not take your advice about the bank but will listen to the bloke at the branch they have dealt with since 1998. Your pride may sting. Let it, if it gets the job done.

Three family conversations

The new technology. Skip the feature tour. Set up one task they actually want, then write the steps on a card in their own words. "Press the green button, Sophie's face appears." One task mastered builds more confidence than ten demonstrated.

Family traditions. Christmas may have to move because your sister has moved interstate. Instead of announcing it, bring the problem and ask for help. "We can't all get to yours this year, and I know how much your table means. How could we keep what matters most?" They might surprise you. Their answer might be the pudding recipe and not the postcode at all.

The harder decisions. Downsizing, giving up driving and changing doctors are not small things to ask of anyone. Plant the seed early, then back off:

"I'm not asking you to decide anything today. I just want to know what you'd want if the stairs ever got too much. You've always been the one with the plan, and I'd rather follow yours than make one for you."

If safety is truly at stake, you may need to be firmer, and perhaps bring in a GP or another person they trust. Even then, they deserve to be told first, in private, and to have a say.

Looking after yourself

Some things will not change, and you can stop trying to win those ones. Your dad may never read an email. Could you print them? Your mum might keep saying the same thing about your job. Could you smile and ask about her garden instead? Choosing which battles to drop is not giving up. Often it is what leaves you enough energy to enjoy the visit.

You could also notice what you have inherited. Are the family recipes, the sense of duty and the habit of showing up partly thanks to this exact trait?

Related reading

Your parent's love of order might also show up as lists and early arrivals, in which case how to work with someone who is highly conscientious applies more than you would think. For a partner with similar habits, see how to love someone who is highly conscientious. And if criticism is where things get stuck, try giving feedback to someone highly conscientious.

Families can go years without saying these things aloud. Get a Field Guide written for the people in your life.

You may have more of your parent in you than you think, or far less. See your own results in the Core Personality Expedition.